I've been delivering food on a bike for over a year and a half. After being assaulted by some chud in Belltown today, I need to get some shit off my chest that isn't just that guy's hand. 

Y'all motherfuckers who complain about the music I crank must've forgotten what city you're in. Fuck off to the suburbs, NIMBY scum.

Dumbfucks occupying the bike lanes when the sidewalk is literally just a few feet to the side, you're one of the main reasons I crank loud music, and even that's not enough to overpower your earbuds, you fucking bollards. Double fuck you to you brainlets who park your cars in the bike lanes, which is illegal, BTW. Y'all create the danger you then blame us for, just like a good Republican.

Clones who jokingly or sincerely try to trick me into giving you someone else's order, you're just fucking boring and unoriginal. 

To the white men (yes, it's always white men) who actually get hostile and try to pick fights with me while I'm on the clock, like the one who did today, you call me things like a loser and a bitch, and yet you are only projecting the reality about yourself. Funny how you run away when one of the locals comes to defend me, since doing so myself would cost my job. You have to be a real massive piece of shit to pick a fight with someone doing their job. Oh, and blaming me for your violence is textbook abuser behavior. What was that about a male loneliness epidemic? Y'all are actually pathetic, and maybe the government should look into disarming you instead of trans people. 

I was raised by and around military, cops, and other various authoritarian types. I've lived on and off the streets since becoming an adult a couple decades ago, and I've wrecked a couple Nazis and even an infamous Proud Boy. I've been stabbed in the chest by a tweaker with a screwdriver, who I then proceeded to remove from the bus myself. Afterwards, I clocked in, completed a shift, and then went to get a tetanus shot. I like to put metal rods in my urethra for pleasure. I'm not scared of any of you.

Although, in general, I get a lot more love from folks who understand and appreciate the hazards involved than I do hate from people who clearly need a psychedelic enema, and it means the world to me.

Double thank you to folks who tip well.

Love, 

The Psycho Bike Ho

Do you need to get something off your chest? Submit an I, Anonymous and we'll illustrate it! Send your unsigned rant, love letter, confession, or accusation to ianonymous@thestranger.com. Please remember to change the names of the innocent and the guilty.